Phoebe: Oooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes... that can't be good. Rachel: (On the phone with her dad) Well maybe that's my decision. Well maybe I don't need your money. Wait, wait, I said "maybe"! Ross: (Holding up a can of beer) This was Carol's favourite beer. She always drank it out of the can. I should've known. Joey: (To Monica) Come on. You're going out with a guy, there must be something wrong with him. Chandler: Alright Joey, be nice. (To Monica) So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? Rachel: (Talking to her dad on the phone) It's like all my life everyone has always told me you're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe, and today I stopped and I said what if I don't want to be a shoe, what if I wanna be a purse or or a hat. Phoebe: (Singing) Love is sweet as summer showers Love is a wondrous work of art But your love, oh your love, Your love is like a giant pigeon Crapping on my heart. La la la la la... Ross: (To Phoebe) Nuh-uh, no, no, don't. Stop cleansing my aura! Phoebe: (To Monica) Wait! Does he eat chalk? Just 'cause I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl. Rachel: They're my, "I don't need my boyfriend, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots", boots. Ross: I just want to be married again. (Rachel runs into Central Perk wearing her wedding dress) Chandler: And I just want a million dollars Everybody: (Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards) Cut, cut, cut, cut. Rachel: (Cuts a card]) You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture... Monica: Rachel, that was a library card. (Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card) Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream. Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day! Joey: What, like there's a rule or something? Monica: This is not even a real date. It's not. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. Ross: (On how long it's been since he's had sex) Do the words 'Billy, Don't Be a Hero' mean anything to you? Ross: (Sounding depressed) Hi. Joey: This guy says "Hello" and I wanna kill myself. Monica: (Finding Joey and Chandler in her apartment) Oh good, Lenny and Squiggy are here. Chandler: Alright kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference. Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... Did I say that out loud? Monica: (To Rachel) Welcome to the real world! It sucks! You're going to love it! Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help? Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to. Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those job things. Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear? (Discussing baby names) Ross: What about Julia? Carol: Julia! Susan: We agreed on Minnie. Ross: It's funny, we (Gestures to Carol) agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches! Rachel: (On phone) Hi Mindy. Hi it's Rachel. Yeah, fine. I saw Barry today. Uh yeah, yeah, he told me. No, well it's ok. Really. It's ok, really. I hope you two are very happy. I really do, and well Min - ya know - if everything works out and you guys end up getting married and having kids and everything... I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. Phoebe: Monica you're scaring me. You're getting all chaotic and twirly... and not in a good way. Mr. Geller: I'm not going to tell you what they spent on that wedding. But 40 thousand dollars is a lot of money. Rachel: (To Phoebe) You're a twin? Phoebe: Oh yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered driven career type. Chandler: What does she do? Phoebe: She's a waitress. Ross: (About the statue of the cavewoman) She looks angry. Marsha: Well, she has issues. Ross: Does she? Marsha: He's out banging other women over the head with a club while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet. Ross: Okay, these are... cave people. They have issues like 'gee, that glacier's getting awfully close.' Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here? Chandler: I don't know but I think it's about to attack the Enterprise. Chandler: Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster! Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong? Phoebe: There's five hundred extra dollars in my account. Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... Ross: A thumb? Phoebe: I know. I know. I opened it up, and there is was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker. Chandler: Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five." Phoebe: Yes! Like that man in the shoe! Ross: What shoe? Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme: There was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe... for a while. Monica: Do you guys ever think Alan might be a little too Alan. Rachel: No, you can never be too Alan. Ross: It's his innate Alan-ness that we adore. Chandler: I could personally stand about a gallon of Alan. Chandler: I'm sick of you guys with your "lung cancer" and your "emphysema," when the fact is smoking's cool, and you know it. Phoebe: It's not mine! If I kept it, it would be like stealing! Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping! Phoebe: I'll give you $7,000 if you quit smoking! Chandler: Yeah, OK. Chandler: 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm going to be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you.' Monica: It's the credit card people. They say there's been some unusual activity on your account. Rachel: But I haven't used my credit card in weeks! Monica: That is the unusual activity. Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest... And bigger boobs! Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines and eight people were killed. Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine? Phoebe: No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why? Monica: Hey, Joey! What would you do if you were omnipotent? Joey: Probably kill myself. Monica: Excuse me? Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, I got no reason to live. Ross: Uh Joey... OM-nipotent. Joey: You are? I'm so sorry. Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that! Rachel: Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money? Monica: (Looking out window) Oh, god help us. Joey: What? Monica: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww! Joey: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you. Monica: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet. Phoebe: (To Rachel) What's the matter? Why so scrunchy? Rachel: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible. Ross: That guy, he burns me up. Rachel: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady. Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that. Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony? Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know. Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night! Joey: No plans, huh? Chandler: Not a one. Rachel: Oh please, you guys can pee standing up. Chandler: We can? Ok, I'm trying that. Joey: You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me. Phoebe: You know how you sometimes see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys? You could be one of those guys! Phoebe: One time I went out with a guy who had just gotten divorced, and it was really hard. His kids liked me better than him. Chandler: She makes the women I dream about look like short, fat, bald men. Phoebe: Can I use the phone? I need to call my apartment and check on my grandma. Phoebe: Wait, what's my number? (Monica looks at her weird) Phoebe: What, I never call me. Phoebe: I am going to sing a song about that moment when you suddenly realise what life is about. (Plays a note) (Lights go out) Phoebe: Okay, thank you very much. Ross: Listen. Um, listen. Something you should... know... um, Rachel and I... we're kind of a thing. Paolo: Thing? Ross: Thing, yes. Thing. Paolo: Ah, you... have the sex? Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had, but that's... see, that's not the point. Phoebe: (Singing) New York City has no power, And the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, Cause I stay away from dairy... Chandler: (Thinking to himself) Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it. Ross: (About him and Carol having sex in Disneyland) The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom. Jill: Would you like to call somebody? Chandler: (Thinking to himself) Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Ross: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani. Ross: So you do know a little English? Paolo: Poco... a leetle. Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel? Paolo: No. Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel! Monica: Who am I going to meet in a blackout? Power company guys? Eligible looters? Joey: (Looking at a picture) Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked! Ross: (Looking) No no, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something. Phoebe: (At Nana's funeral) God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise! Chandler: You're watching a football game at a funeral? Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception. Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man. Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'. Monica: That's probably what they'll say. Mr. Geller: I'd like that. Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair? Rachel: (Exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair. Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair. Ross: No no, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did. (Think that Chandler was gay) Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't? Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so... Rachel: (To Chandler) When I first met you... I thought maybe, possibly, you might be... but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not. Monica: And I assume Chandler, you're still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays. Chandler: Yes every single one of them. (Toasting Thanksgiving) Chandler: Alright I'd like to propose a toast, a little toast here . Ding, ding! I know this isn't exactly the kind of thanksgiving that all of you planned, but for me, this has been really great. You know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway I was just thinking, I mean,if you had gone to Vail or if guys had been with your family or if you didn't have syphillis and stuff... we wouldn't be all together you know so i guess what i'm trying to say is I'm very thankful that all your Thanksgivings sucked. Everyone Else:That's so sweet! Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas! Rachel: And a crappy new year. Chandler: Here, Here! Monica: (Holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split this with me? Joey: Oh, I will. Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish. Monica: Make a wish? Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. (They rip the sandwich in two halfs) Phoebe: Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for? Joey: The bigger half. Ross: (Singing to Carol's stomach) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts. Ross: (Talking to Carol's stomach) And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a foetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore. Ross: Do you, uh, do you talk about me? Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time. Ross: Really? Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy. Ross: (On inviting Carol over for Thanksgiving dinner) (Mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner. Monica: (About Joey's modeling job) Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"? Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute. Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be? Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (Crosses fingers) Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it. (Joey enters, his face looks colorful and shiny) Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup? Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model. Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman. Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian. Susan: (Deadpan) Well, you know you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it. Monica: Do you always have to bring him here? Ross: Look, I didn't wanna leave him alone. All right? We... we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he threw some feces... Chandler: You know, if you're gonna work late I could look in on him for you. Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not, like, doing it as a favor to me. Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie. (Ross enters Monica's party with Marcel on his shoulders) Ross: Par-tay! Monica: That thing is not coming in here. Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home? Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table. Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow! (Laughs her annoying Janice laugh) Chandler: You remember Janice. Monica: Vividly. Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much? Ross: Just a smidge. Phoebe: (Singing) I made a man with eyes of coal And a smile so bewitchin', How was I supposed to know That my mom was dead in the kitchen? Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman. Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman. Ross: It's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so... Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate? Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathet- (Realises) ....sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'. Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on his ass! Ross: That would be Marcel. You wanna say hi? Monica: No. No, I don't. Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him? Ross: My friend, Bethel, rescued him from some lab. Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel? Phoebe: (singing) You don't have to be awake to be my man. As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to hold your hand. Though we just met the other day, there's something I have got to say... (speaking) Okay, thank you very much, I'm gonna take a short break. Chandler: What was that? Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a... Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey. All right there, Mother-Kisser? Rachel: Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion, okay? Oh, oh, and on page two he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'. Monica: What's a 'niffle'? Joey: You can usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'. Rachel: All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist. Ross: Wait! Did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those! Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door. Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paulo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora, um, Mrs. Mom, your Bing, was just being nice! Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool! Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.' Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this? Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing. Mrs. Bing: Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why? Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing? Joey: (After catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom) I'll just go pee in the street. Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom. Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt, but not a mom. Mrs. Bing: (On TV) I bought my son his first condoms. (Pause) Chandler: And then he burst into flames. Chandler: That's patio furniture. Joey: So what? People are like gonna come in and think: "Uh-oh, I'm outside again"? Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool... It says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta. Chandler: And we're done with the yoghurt. Ross: (About Rachel and Paolo) What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (Pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration! Rachel: We are way past the fling thing. I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books. Phoebe: Hey, Joey. What's going on? Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed by Monica in a towel) Monica: Joey!! What the hell were you doing?! Joey: Sorry. Wrong boobies. Chandler: (About Rachel) She's still upset because I saw her boobies. Ross: You what? What were you doing seeing her boobies? Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts. (Chandler and Joey notice that a woman is sitting by their door) Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered. Rachel: (About Chandler) Fasten your seat belts, it's pee-pee time. Joey: ...and my sister Tina found out she can't see her husband anymore because he has a restraining order. I know that doesn't have anything to do with this, but it's just that I found out today. Chandler: I'll show you to my room... That sounds weird when it's not followed by 'Sorry, its late.' Roger: Actually, it's quite, you know, typical behaviour when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. You know, this sort of codependent, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffeehouse, with your stupid big cups - which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them. And you're all like: (Whiny voice) 'I need love! I need love! Define me! Define me! Love me! I need love!...' Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after 20-year-old boys or... I'll end up like my mom. Chandler: You know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed. They were very nice boobies. Rachel: 'Nice?' They were 'nice?' I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are 'nice'. Chandler: (Illustrating) Okay. Rock. Hard place. Me. Ross: Since you saw her boobies, I think you're gonna have to show her your pee-pee. Phoebe: (While doing the ritual) Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man. Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place. Ross: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close, personal friend. Kristin: You mean they're lovers. Ross: If you wanna put a label on it. Chandler: Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess Chandler: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian - I don't think we need a third... Fireman #1: You guys didn't tell them that you're married, did you? Fireman #2: Are you kidding? I didn't even tell my girlfriend, I'm not telling them. Carol: (To Ross) All you need is a woman who likes men and you're set. (Ross looks at a beautiful woman passing by) Carol: Not her. Janice: (To Chandler) I bought you something. Chandler: Is it loaded? Chandler: How can I dump her on Valentine's Day? Joey: I don't know you did it on New Years. Chandler: Oh man! Next life I'm coming back as a toilet brush. Phoebe: (While burning their ex-boyfriend's stuff) Ooh ooh, here is my dinner receipt from when I was dating Nackolononokalonka. Carol: You'll find someone. I know you will. The right woman is just waiting for you. Ross: That's easy for you to say. You found one already. Joey: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and lick it off me. I'm not even sure what 'slathering' is, but I definitely wanna be a part of it. Chandler: Ok, you can not do this to me. Joey: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right. Lorraine: (To waiter) Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please? Joey: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler. Chandler: I hope she throws up on you. Steve: (after spilling a bag of Gummy Bears) Oh no! Bears overboard! They're -- they're drowning! Hey fellas, grab onto a Sugar O, save yourselves! (starts throwing Sugar O's cereal to the Gummy Bears) Chandler: (talking to his former boss on the telephone) Yeah, I miss you too. It's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? Celia: Say something... hot. Ross: (Panicked) Er... um... Celia: What? Ross: Um... uh... vulva. Ross: (On his plans for his date tonight) Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey. Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically. Joey: (Teaching Ross to talk dirty) If you can't talk dirty to me, how are you going to talk dirty to her? Now, tell me you want to caress my butt! Ross: Hey guys. Does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood? Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a thirty-two-ounce steak, it's free. Ross: Okay. Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma? Steve: Oooh! Taco shells! You know what these are? They're like little corn envelopes! Steve: Oooh! Tartlets! Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all meaning Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! Chandler: Hey, where you been? Joey: I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries. Chandler: Score. Ross: (About Chandler dating an employee) You don't dip your pen in the company ink. Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I'm sorry, I've got to go. I've got Lamaze class. Chandler: (Mocking) Oh, and I've got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym. Joey: Hey, have you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive? Chandler: Only if you order stuff... Joey: I'm taking Ursula there, it's her birthday. Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Phoebe's birthday? Joey: When's that? Ross: Tonight! Joey: Oh, man... what are the odds of that happening? (Ross tries to console Carol about childbirth) Carol: Oh, what do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this POT ROAST THROUGH IT?!" Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things? Joey: Yeah... Chandler: Let's not do that anymore. Joey: Pheebs, you think it would be okay if I asked out your sister? Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna do that? Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there. Phoebe: Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, it's true, we were one egg, once, but er, you know, we've grown apart, so, um... I don't know, why not? Okay! Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey, Pheebs, guess who we saw today? Phoebe: Ooo, ooo, fun. Liam Neeson! Morley Safer! The woman who cuts my hair! Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game. Monica: (Pretending to be Rachel) See, I was supposed to get married, but I left the guy at the altar. Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish but, hey, that's me! Rachel: (After winning a hand of poker. Sing-song to Ross) I have got your money, and you'll never see it, and your fly's still open. (Pause) Rachel: Ha, I made you look. (When Monica calls Ross competitive) Phoebe: Hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black. Rachel: (To Ross) So basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends. Ross: (Pause) Yeah. Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from IKEA. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less. Phoebe: Hey, you know what I just realised? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J'. Coincidence? Chandler: Hey, that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'. Rachel: Guys, guys, guess what, guess what? Chandler: Hmm, I don't know... the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident? Rachel: (To Marcel) Did you poo in the shoe? Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her. Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1980's when that phrase was last used. Monica: Pheebs? You know how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first? Phoebe: Yes, but there's not always time. Joey: All right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go? Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably going to want to do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room. Chandler: I feel violated...(pause) and not in a good way. Monica: Isn't this the same Barry you left at the altar? Joey: Duh, where have you been? Phoebe: Stop being so testosteroney! Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. Chandler: I can't believe you would actually say that! I would much rather be Mr. Peanut than Mr. Salty. Joey: No way... Mr. Salty is a sailor, right? He's gotta be, like, the toughest snack there is. Ross: I just got back from the vet. Chandler: She's not going to make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she? Dance Instructor: You can come up to the front and dance with me. Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes, and have a nightmare? Monica: You have got to do something about the humping! Ross: What? It's just a phase. Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey. Chandler: Joe... Joe... Joe... Stalin? Joey: Stalin! Stalin. Do I know that name? It sounds familiar. Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me! Joey: Joe Stalin. You know, that's pretty good! Chandler: Hey, you know, you might wanna try "Joseph." Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that! Joey: You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?! Chandler: You're kidding! Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that! Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've. Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious. Ross: I can't believe you two had sex in her dream! Chandler: I-I'm sorry... it was a one time thing, I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious... Rachel: Off to see young Ethan? Monica: Thank you. Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young? Monica: He's... our age. Chandler: When we were? Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college. Ross: College? Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are? Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22. Rachel: What? Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22? Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26. Monica: (Getting annoyed) I am 26. Phoebe: There you go. Monica: Oh God, I just had sex with someone who wasn't alive during the Bicentennial! Ethan: I just had sex! Monica: (Seeing a woman with newborn twins) No fair! I don't even have ONE! Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby? Joey: I'm gonna be in the waiting room, handing out cigars! Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the '50s. Monica: Is there something fundamentally unmarryable about me? Chandler: (Scrambling) Uh... Monica: Well? Chandler: (Pulling an imaginary ripcord) Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack! Carol: What does he look like? Ross: (Studying him) Kind of like my Uncle Ed covered in Jello. Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you! Susan: (Beaming) Thanks. Rachel: Oh God, I can't believe one of us actually has one of these! Chandler: I know. I still am one of these. Carol: (About her contractions) I love them! Each one's like a little party in my uterus! Melanie: There is a little child inside this man! Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die. Chandler: Men are here! Joey: We make fire! Cook meat! Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back! Joey: If I wanna get the money, I'm not allowed to conduct any personal experiments, if you know what I mean. Monica: Joey, we always know what you mean. Chandler: Rachel! I love you! Deal with me first! Monica: You're going to China? Ross: (Not wanting to get into it) It's for the museum. Someone found a bone. We want the bone. They don't want us to have the bone. I'm going to try to persuade them to give us the bone. It's a whole big bone thing. (Ross bought Rachel an expensive pin for her birthday) Monica: I can't believe he did this. Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? Rachel: What did you just say? Chandler: (Panicked) Ahem... um... Crystal duck. Rachel: No, no, no... the, um, the... "love" part? Chandler: (Stuttering incoherently) F-hah... flennin... Rachel: Oh... my God. Chandler: (Rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no... Joey: That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time. Phoebe: (Learning what Joey will earn for his sperm donation) Wow, you're gonna be making money hand over fist. Ross: I'm going to China. Joey: The country? Ross: No, the big pile of dishes in my mom's breakroom. Joey: It's like I'm able to appreciate it on another level! Chandler: I didn't know you had another level. Ross: We have to get some sleep. It's really six o'clock tomorrow night our time. Chandler: Okay, but don't tell me what happens cause I like to be surprised! Rachel: Excuse me, who gave her our phone number? Phoebe: Okay, well who had the motive? Was it the actor? The chef? The masseuse? Or... was it the guy who's dating her? Joey: Guy who's dating! Guy who's dating her! Joey: I've been with my share of women... In fact, I've been with a lot of people's share of women. Chandler: Hey, anybody know a good tailor? Joey: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been going to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No, wait, 16. No, excuse me, 15. All right, when was 1990? Chandler: Okay, you have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance. Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me. Ross: What? Joey: No way, I've been going to the guy for twelve years. Chandler: Oh come on, he said he was going to do my inseem, then he ran his hand up my leg and then there was definite... Ross: What? (Chandler closes his eyes) Chandler: Cupping. Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side then they move it back, and then they do the rear. Ross, will you tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants? Ross: Yes, yes it is... IN PRISON! Rachel: Well, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic! Ross: Hey, Paolo. What are you doing here? Paolo: I do Raquel! Carol: You think my breast milk's gross? Susan: Oh, this should be fun. Ross: No no, Carol... it's just that I don't think breast milk is for adults. Chandler: Although, the packaging does appeal to adults and kids alike. Ross: Look, would you guys grow up? This is the most natural beautiful thing in the world. Joey: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby sucking on it. Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were... shopping. Rachel: Oh. Oh my God. Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me. Rachel: Yeah, right. Sure! Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out! Ross: It's breast milk. Phoebe: So? Rachel: Phoebe, that is juice squeezed from a person! Monica: Look at all this crap! Chandler: Actually I believe this place sullies the good name of crap. Chandler: Goodbye, Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down. Ross: You don't believe in gravity? Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed! (Knocking on the door) Chandler: Uh oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Chandler: You always assume you're going to find somebody. But what if I NEVER find anybody? Or even worse, what if I've already found the right woman but dumped her cause she pronounces it "supposably?" Rachel: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp. Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone. Rachel: Okay, you win. Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason. Chandler: Maureen Rosilla. Ross: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason. Chandler: Our trains are on the same track, okay? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same! Bitter Town! Aloneville! Hermit Junction! Joey: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably. (After Ross walks by extremely happy) Old woman on bench: Well, somebody got some last night. Ross: Twice. Chandler: (about his third nipple) It's just a tiny bump, it doesn't even do anything! Rachel: Oh, as opposed to your other, multi-functional nipples? Ross: Oh darn it... we're all out of milk. (Holds the pitcher up to Chandler's chest} Hey, Chandler, will you fill me up here? Rachel: I will have the [ahem] (Speaks softly) side salad. Waiter: And what will that be on the side of? Rachel: I don't know; why don't you just put it right here next to my water? (Flipping a coin to choose between ducks and clowns) Joey: All right... ducks are heads, because ducks... have heads. Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday? Phoebe: I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget. Lather, rinse, repeat and lather, rinse, repeat and lather, rinse, repeat as needed. Caroline: I think it's great you guys are doing this. Chandler: Well, we are great guys. Caroline: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through? Phoebe: Terry's a jerk! And he won't let me work! And I hate Central Perk! You're all invited to bite me! Ross: How'd your date go? Rachel: (Hungover) I think there was a restaurant. I know there was wine. Joey: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea? Phoebe: Mm... hmm. Joey: This man is my god! Monica: Come on, give me five more. Five more. Chandler: (weakly) No. Monica: Five more and I'll flash you. Ross: (To Rachel) What? You're over me? When were you... under me? Chandler: I know this must be so be so hard, oh no two women love me, they're both gorgous and sexy, my wallet's too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight! {Reading made up story instead of The List) Chandler: (clears his throat) It was summer...and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. "Oh look!" cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end. Phoebe: (Sampling Mockolate chip cookies) Oh, sweet lord, this is what evil must taste like! Chandler: All right, check out this bad boy. Twelve megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS. Phoebe: Wow. What are you gonna use it for? Chandler: Games and stuff. Joey: Ross, listen. I got two words for you: Threesome. Ross: And, uh, and then I kissed her. Joey: Tongue? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Cool. Chandler: You know, I remember my father... all dressed up in the red suit, with the big black boots and the leather belt. Sneaking around downstairs, he didn't want anybody to see him, but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up. Rachel: That doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas. Chandler: Who said anything about Christmas? Monica: (About Phoebe) I hope she's okay. Joey: Yeah, I know exactly what she's going through. Monica: How do you know exactly what she's going through. Joey: She told us. Phoebe: Oh, Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God! You should see the size of his Christmas balls. Phoebe: A plate of brownies once told me a limerick. Chandler: Pheebs, let me ask you something... Were... were these, uh, "funny" brownies? Phoebe: Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them! Monica: See now, they're as different as night and... later that night. Chandler: This is good, cos if we ever lose Ross we have a spare! Chandler: The way I see it you get a great job and you get to have sex! Throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas! Phoebe: We could do a soap opera thing! Chandler: Yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia. Mrs. Green: Monica! You look gorgeous! Oh, my! The last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten. Monica: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move! Chandler: Monica! I feel like you should have German subtitles! Ross: And you had no idea that they weren't getting along? Rachel: None! Joey: They didn't fight a lot? Rachel: No, they didn't even talk to each other! How was I supposed to know they were having problems? Ross: She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there. Joey: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be, like, the worst lesbian ever! Chandler: I think lambs are scarier. Otherwise, the movie would have been called Silence of the Ducks. Phoebe: Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo" Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo" Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up And that's how we get hamburgers. Noooowwwww chickens! Joey: I am not Drake! Ross: That's right! He's not! He is Hans Ramoret, Drake's evil twin! Erica: Is this true? Rachel: Yes! Yes! And I know this beacuse, uh, he pretended to be Drake to sleep with me! (Throws the water in her glass on Joey) Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me! And he didn't! (Throws her water on Joey) Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard! (Throws his water on Joey) Ross: I'm gonna go visit Marcel at the zoo and surprise him. Chandler: You know what? I think he will be surprised until he realizes he's a monkey! And, you know, not capable of that emotion. Zookeeper: Please! You believe everything the zoo tells you? Ross: Actually, this is the first thing the zoo's ever told me. Joey: Hey, hey, check it out! Guess what I got! Chandler: Rhythm? Ross: I was saving you. Rachel: Saving me from the nice conversation with the interesting man, saving me? (after getting off the phone with Rachel's date, Casey) Ross: Do you have any idea what he wants to do with her? Chandler: Well I'm guessing do a little dance. You know, make a little love. Well, pretty much just get down tonight. Joey: You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life? Chandler: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first, but once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track. Phoebe: I think I'm ready for my penis now. Phoebe: (About Ross and Rachel) He's her lobster! Chandler: What's this? Joey: Eight hundred and twelve bucks. Chandler: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. Joey: Some girl ate Monica!! Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds. Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you? Ross: (on the phone) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display! No. No. No, no, Homo-habilus was erect, Australopithicus was never fully erect. Chandler: Well, maybe he was nervous. The first time Phoebe sees Richard, he's wearing a tux Phoebe: It's James Bond! Joey: What are you getting so bent out of shape for? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie! Chandler: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister! Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Which sister? Tilly: I'm Tilly. Chandler: Oh. Tilly: I gather by that oh that he told you about me. Chandler: Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul. (after Chandler telling everyone Eddie ripped the soles out of all of his shoes) Monica: Why would he do that? Chandler: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend, and killed his fish. Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish? Chandler: Because sometimes, Phoebe, after you sleep with someone...you have to kill a fish. Chandler: Ding dong! The psycho's gone! Chandler: Hannibal Lecter... Better roommate than you! Joey: I fell down an elevator shaft. Gunther: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche. Joey: What? Gunther: I used to be Bryce on All My Children. Eddie: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is? Chandler: Your last roommate's kidney? Chandler: So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. Good, STAY! Good fake dog. Rachel: This is about you stealing my wind! Ross: Your wind? Rachel: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow? Phoebe: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself. Richard: Don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends. They don't start sentences with, "You know who just died shoveling snow?" Phoebe: It's a Wonderful Life. Yes, I've heard of this. Monica: So you can't lose, it's there in the title. Wonderfulness is baked right in. Phoebe: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of the Yankees. I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease. Richard: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming? Joey: Monica. Relax. Go get a beer. Monica: I don't want a beer! Joey: Who said it was for you? Rachel: What happened to, uh, MEG? Monica: MEG was good for me, but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is "get out before they go down." Joey: That is so not my motto! Joey: Mr. Green, why don't we go in the bedroom and put your coat on the bed? Mr. Green: Uh, sure. That sounds like a two-person job. Mr. Green: So what's the deal here? Rachel comes home and we all jump up and say "surprise"? Chandler: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir? Rachel: Can you keep my dad occupied? I'm gonna go talk to Mom for a while. Ross: Okay. Do you have any ideas for any openers? Rachel: Just stay clear of, "I'm the guy that's doing your daughter!" and you should be okay. Monica: My boyfriend doesn't have a thing! Richard: See, if anyone out there heard that, I didn't come off well. Phoebe: (To Chandler, regarding the woman he has been talking to online) What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip. Phoebe: We're just trying to figure out if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl. Joey: Oh, well just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men. Chandler: How do you not fall down more? Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place. Phoebe: Well, okay, fine. Use my happy place. Okay, I'm just... I'm gonna have to ask that you don't move anything in there. Monica: Do you think breaking-up with him was a huge mistake? Phoebe: Alright, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay? Just the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees... Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me. I'll bet he's fine. Phoebe: Alright, betting and wagering of any kind are, I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Rachel: Did you ever do the... the Leia thing? Phoebe: Oh, yeah, uh-huh. Oh! Rachel: Really! That... that great, huh? Phoebe: No, it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya! Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace... Phoebe: Oh, okay, that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought, okay it's, like, a mouse or a possum. But then I realised, like, okay, where would a mouse or a possum get the money to make the phone call? (Joey is watching "Wheel of Fortune", the letters read OUNT RUSH ORE) Joey: This guy is so stupid. It's Count Rushmore. Chandler: You know you should really go on this show. (later) Chandler: Oh, and by the way, there is no Count Rushmore. Joey: Yeah? Then who's the guy who painted the faces on the mountain? Chandler: This may be the real thing, capital R, capital T! (Joey stares blankly) Chandler: Don't worry, those are the right letters! Joey: Alright... they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. Chandler: Taste it. Joey: Yep, it's fat! I drank fat! Chandler: Yeah, I know. I did that two minutes ago. Chandler (Ss Joey leaves): Oh ho, he'll be back! (Looks around) Oh ho, there's nobody in the room. (Joey starts to walk out of the apartment with the chair cushions) Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you never said anything about the cushions. Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair! Joey: That's right! I'm taking the essence! Joey: You hide my underwear, I'm wearing everything you own. Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of stealing somebody's underpants! Joey: Look at me, I'm Chandler. Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando... Chandler: I wrote a song today called... GET UP (Chandler is sitting on Joey in order to get the chair) Chandler: (uncomfortably): I am so comfortable. Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable... Chandler: All right. (he jumps up) Chandler: In the words of a.a. milne: 'Get out of my chair, dillhole!' Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company...or maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number. Phoebe: Yeah, I think after this he'll be doing that himself. Chandler: You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about? Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? Joey: Because, um, I'm not wearing any underwear now. Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? Joey: It's a rented tux, okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues. Chandler: (walking out of the bathroom holding an issue of Cosmo) So I took the quiz, and it turns out I do put career before men. Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty. Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep. Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep! Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way, Chandler, I would like back one of these days. Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance! (Joey enters the room with a sling on his arm) Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed? Joey: No. I had a whole cover story, but Chandler here sold me out. Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe, I didn't think the doctor would buy that it just fell out of the socket. Chandler: (Thinking) Look at all that room on her side! You good fit a giant penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time! I'm huggin', I'm huggin', you're rollin', and... yes! Freedom! Except for this arm! Arm stuck! Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth trick. One fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1... 2... 3! Phoebe: Okay, first... I'm not crazy. And second... say it, don't spray it. Monica: Hey, look at me! I'm making jam... been at it since 4 O'clock this morning. Ross: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning? Monica: Went down to the docks. Hey, betcha didn't know you can get it wholesale. Rachel: I didn't know there were docks. Chandler: Okay Joe, I gotta ask. The hot girl from the xerox place buck naked (he gestures with his one hand), or a big tub of jam (he gestures with his other hand)? Joey: Put your hands together. Monica: I'm going into business, people. I needed a plan. A plan to get over my man...and what's the opposite of man? Jam! Joey: Remember when your mom would send you to the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon? Rachel: (pats Joey on the head) You're so pretty. Monica: Pretend like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be sleepy. Rachel: And grumpy! Chandler: Would you stop naming dwarves! Chandler: I'm having a party! It's right here in Chelsea! Janice: So who's the party for? Chandler: ......Chelsea. Joey: Oh yeah. Go for it, man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind! Chandler: Yeah Joe. I assure you if I'm ever staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much gonna be peeing every which way. Monica: Hey! Where 'ya headin' in those pants? 1982? (After Joey puts a toilet brush over the hole he gouged in the bathroom floor) Monica: Aw, that's nice. We can put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon! Chandler: (Seeing Joey's huge carpentry project) So what happened, did a forest tick you off? Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya? Chandler: No, you didn't get me!! It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!! Joey: You know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail? Chandler: Yeah? Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step. Chandler: You're building a post office? Isabella Rossellini: Oh, you know what? You were on my list of five goofy coffeehouse guys I could sleep with, but yesterday you got bumped for that guy over there! Phoebe: Oh, that's so unfortunate. Monica: What? Phoebe: Cute naked guy's starting to put on weight. Monica: You wanna hear something that sucks? Chandler: Do I ever! Chandler: (About roommate applicants) ...and one guy I'm not sure about because when I answered the phone, "Chandler Bing." He said, "Woah, short message." Phoebe: No, Mr. Heckles, we weren't making any noise! Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice. Phoebe: You don't play the oboe. Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe. Phoebe: Well, then I'm going to have to ask you to keep it down. (Slams the door) Monica: Get ready for me to whip your butt! Chandler: Okay, but after that, we're shootin' some pool! Ross: I think my marriage is over. Phoebe: Why? Ross: Because Carol's a lesbian...and I'm not...and apparently it's not a mix-and-match situation... Chandler: If i was a superhero who could fly and be invincible, that would be the best. (Joey is humming in his head) Phoebe: (in her head) Who's singing? Phoebe: (to kid in race car bed) Hi. You know, in England, this bed would be on the other side of the store Monica: (in her head) Oh great. Another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct? Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. Phoebe: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger, too, to bring down something that big. Rachel: Phoebe, you're in pain. Would you just go to the dentist? Just go. Phoebe: Alright, fine, fine. But if you're my next victim, don't come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set. Rachel: I promise. Phoebe: Although, don't feel like you can't visit. Joey: If the homosapiens were in fact homosapiens...is that why they're extinct? Ross: Joey, homosapiens are people! Joey: Hey, I'm not judging! Joey: Come on man, you have not done anything since you and her broke up. Chandler: Thats not true. I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say I don't have goals. Ross: Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater! Phoebe: We should play football more often. Rachel: Maybe there's like a league we could join or something. Phoebe: Isn't there a national football league? Chandler: Yes, there is. They play Sundays and Monday nights. Rachel: Aw, shoot. I work Monday nights. Rachel: C'mon, throw it to me, they never cover me! Monica: Honey, there's a reason. Joey: Wow, you're like from a whole other country. Margha: I am Dutch. Joey: Hi, I'm Joey. Margha: I am Margha. Joey: I'm sorry, Dutch, I didn't catch that last part? Monica: (In a sing-song voice) 42 to 21, like the turkey Ross is done! Chandler: Wait a minute, how are we going to get there because my mom won't let me cross the street! Chandler: Hey Joey, where do Dutch people come from? Joey: Uh... well the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania. Chandler: And the other Dutch come from somewhere near the Netherlands right? Joey: Nice try, see the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from. Rachel: (to Ross) Do you wanna play football? Ross: Um, Monica and I aren't supposed to play football. Joey: Says who? Your mom? Monica and Ross: Yeah. Monica: Losers walk! Ross: Yeah, losers talk! Chandler: No, no, no, actually, losers rhyme. Chandler: Guys! Guys! Come on! It's Thanksgiving, it's not important who wins or loses. The important thing is...(to Joey)...the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!! Rachel: Ah that's funny! You're a funny guy Chandler! And you know what else is really funny? Chandler: (Hesitantly) Something else I might have said? Phoebe: You saved them! You guys! Oh God, you're the best! Chandler: It's like "Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees." Gunther: Next I'm going to show you why we don't just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there. Gunther: Rachel, remind me to review with you which pot is regular and which pot is decaf. Rachel: Can't I just look at the handles? Gunther: You would think. (Ross is telling everyone how he accidently hit a little girl with a tennis racket as Chandler is reading a newspaper) Ross: I feel really bad Chandler: Hmmm, it says here a character from Sesame Street got wacked last night. Where exactly were you around sevenish.? Ross: What's Joey gonna do when he finds out you blew his sister off with a letter? Chandler: That's the part where you tell him I moved to France. (Ross looks at Chandler) Chandler: ...When actually I'll be in Cuba. Chandler: Well, my apartment isn't there anymore because I drank it! Chandler: I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat. Monica: Yeah...that was me. Chandler: Sorry...when I've been drinking too much, I can get a little overfriendly. Monica: That's okay. Rachel: That's okay. Ross: (after a moment, sadly says) That's okay. Phoebe: A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so cliché. Why don't you guys get a magician? Chandler: Well, if the magician can open my beer with his butt cheeks, then alright. Joey: All blank and no blank makes blank a blank blank. Oh, and the end, when Jack almost kills them all with that blank but in the last second they get away! Rachel: Joey! I can't believe you just did that! Chandler: I can't believe she cracked your code. Joey: Amy just burned Jo's manuscript. I don't see how he could ever forgive her! Ross: Uh, Jo's a girl, it's short for Josephine. Joey: But Jo's got a crush on Laurie. Oh, you mean it's lika a girl-girl thing? Cause that's the one thing missing from The Shining! Chandler: No actually Laurie's a boy. Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times! Chandler: Just had me a little nubbinectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting. Monica: Wow. Just like Rachel in High School. Rachel: What? Monica: Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke! Chandler: That was an obvious joke; and I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? The source of all my powers! Oh dear God, what have I done! Leslie: Okay, my next song's called, "Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say? I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn'ta Left You That Way." Phoebe: Oh no, one of those look-for-the-hidden-meaning songs. Phoebe: (Singing a song) Jingle bitch screwed me over. Go to hell jingle whore, go to hell, go to hell, go to hell jingle whore. Phoebe: (barging into the apartment) I need an atlas! I need an atlas! Monica: Why, do you have a report due? Monica: So what country is he from? Phoebe: Kazhg...kazt.... there's a "g" in there. Monica: (referring to the country's location) Where is that? Phoebe: In your atlas! Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It's organic. Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it. Phoebe: No! Not the used wax. Chandler: Because that would be crazy?! Phoebe: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday. Phoebe: Should we do something? Chandler: Yeah. Never cheat on Rachel. Rachel: (Ordering a pizza) We'd like to order a large pizza. Ross: (To Rachel) No anchovies. Rachel: With extra anchovies. Ross: That's all right; I'll just pick 'em off. Rachel: And could you please chop some up and put them right there in the sauce? Joey: Ross, I'm onboard with the total honesty thing, I am... just not about stuff that's going to get you in trouble. Joey: Do you think I need a new walk? I mean, I've had the same walk since high school. And then you see these guys who walk into a room and everyone notices them. I think I need a "take-notice" walk! Chandler: Are you actually saying these words? Monica: (after pulling the Waxine strip off her leg) Owww! Owww! This is so not pain-LESS, this is so pain-FUL! Phoebe: Well, the Waxine girls don't think so. Monica: It's because their nerves have been deadened by their stupidity! (Monica and Phoebe squeal and scream as they pull the Waxine strips off each other's legs, and Chandler and Joey enter hastily) Joey: What? What? What's going on??? Monica: We were just waxing our legs. Chandler: Off? Phoebe: They've been quiet for a really long time now. Joey: Maybe she killed him. Phoebe: (after a painful leg-waxing) This happens to be a pain no man will ever experience. Chandler: I don't think you can make that statement until you've been kicked in an area God only meant to be treated nicely. Phoebe: (on the phone) Hi, it's Phoebe. Someone needs to take my 9:00, because it's like, 9:15, and I'm not there. Monica: What's "PLEH"? Joey: That's "help" spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air! Monica: Ah... What's "dufus" spelled backwards? Chandler: You know what this is like? This is like when my parents got divorced. Man, I hope Ross doesn't try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts. Rachel (To Ross): Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with somone else? Joey: It's never taken me more than a week to get over a relationship. Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship. Frank Jr.: You know, I would storm out of here right now, if I had some money, or a place to go... Chandler: (about his locked briefcase) You know, I forgot the combination to this a year ago? I just carry it around. Monica: The only reason you want to go out with me is because of the blonde wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food. Pete Becker: Well, if that were true I'd be dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out, it was just plain awkward. Gunther (taking a drag off of Chandler's cigarette): Oh, Dark Mother...once again I suckle at your smoky teat. Phoebe: Oh you know what you should do? You should buy a state and then name it after yourself! Pete: What, like Pete Dakota? Phoebe: Or Mississi-Pete. Ross: How did the date go with Mr Millionaire? Chandler: Mr Millionarire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately! Rachel (after Mark kisses her): I'm sorry, Mark, I can't do this. I'm just doing this to get back at Ross. It's not fair to you. Mark: Ah, fair, schmair! If you want to get back at Ross, I'm here for you! Joey: She thinks she's the greatest actress since...since sliced bread! Chandler: Ah, sliced bread: a wonderful Lady Macbeth. Kate: He happens to be brilliant, which is more than I can say about that sweater you're dating. Joey: Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater, alright? It's what underneath her sweater that counts. Chandler (to the chick): That's Yasmine Bleeth. She's a different kind of chick Phoebe: Do you guys know anything about chicks? Chandler: Fowl? No. Women? (pause) No. (Monica is trying to guess what Phoebe knows and can't tell her) Monica: Does it involve... clogs? Phoebe: Wait, "clogs," or "claws?" Monica: Clogs. Phoebe: No. Monica: Claws? Phoebe: No. (Ross is doing Rachel's makeup) Ross: Okay, there you go. Rachel (looks in the mirror): Sure. Sure, I'll just sit next to the...transsexual from purchasing. Chandler: Good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR!? Director: (Reading a review of the play) "Joey Tribbiani gave an uneven performance as the lead, Victor. However Mr. Tribbiani was not the worst part of this production." Joey: Yes!!! Joey: (After the critics trash Kate's performance) Drama critics are just people who couldn't make it as actors. You know what you should do? Kate: Become a drama critic. Joey: I don't get you, Kate. First you hate me, then you sleep with me, then you want nothing to do with me, and now you want me again? Kate: What, you've never dated an actress before? Ross: Monica is right, marriage is a very serious thing, you shouldn't just rush into it! Rachel: Oh what do you know, you married a lesbian! Chandler: I don't want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom. Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think it's okay to be that guy. Pete: The day will come when kids will argue over who would win a fight: Me or Superman. Now I'm not saying I could be Superman, but kids are stupid. Rachel: (On the subject of congratulatory butt-slapping) I don't understand guys. I'd never congratulate Monica on a great stew by grabbing her boob. Chandler: Yeah, for a really great stew you just stick your head in between them. Monica: Can we please go eat? Ross: Yeah, what are we getting? Monica: Anything but stew. Rachel: You said she was bald! Phoebe: Yes, she was, she's not now. Rachel: How could you not tell me she has hair? Phoebe: I don't know, I hardly say that about people! Monica: You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Pete: You know, I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm and a severely bruised Adam's apple, but THAT really hurt. Phoebe: Well, maybe it won't work out. Maybe Ross won't like her personality. Rachel: Why, does she have a bad personality? Phoebe: Oh no, Bonnie's the best! Chandler: Have you ever wondered if there's a town in Missouri or something named Sample? And then as you're driving to the town there's like, a sign that says, "You're in Sample?" (When Bonnie goes down to the beach with shaved head) Rachel(about Bonnie's head): It's not that bad Ross: You can see the moonlight bouncing of her head! Joey: If you go with Bonnie you're doing the smart, sensible thing and moving on, and, if you go with Rachel, does that mean Bonnie's free tonight? Ross: Rache, you balded my girlfriend! Chandler: If worse comes to worse, I'll be your boyfriend. Monica: (laughs) Yeah right. (Rachel is wearing a gigantic hat) Rachel: Well, excuse me, my fashion-impaired friends. I am here to tell you that hats are back. Phoebe: And this time they've ganged up to form one giant, super hat! (Bonnie has just arrived at the beach house) Joey: We're playing strip "Happy Days" game! Bonnie: Cool! I'll catch up! (takes off her sweater) Bonnie: Thanks a million. Rachel: You're welcome a million. Bonnie(to Ross): Come on, smell it. Ross: (smells her head): Mmmm, minty. Phoebe: You walked out on me and I'm gonna do the same thing to you. Phoebe Sr.: Wait. Phoebe: I don't ever wanna see you again. (Phoebe walks out) (Phoebe walks back in with he hand over her eyes) Phoebe: Where's my purse? Chandler: All right, there's a nuclear holocaust. I'm the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me? Monica: Ehh. Chandler: I've got canned goods! Rachel: Y'know I can't believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over! Ross: (Makes fake crying noises) FINE BY ME!! ChandlerL (Wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept screaming at me, 'Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!' Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming. JoeyL (Laughs) That's 'cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out. Phoebe Sr: I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it's like to be eighteen years old? Phoebe: Yeah. Let's see, my Mom had killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand. Ross: I didn't read the whole letter, I fell asleep. Rachel: You fell a-SLEEP? Ross: It was 5 O'Clock in the morning! And you had RAMBLED on for 18 pages! (Walks towards door, stops and turns around) FRONT AND BACK!!! Rachel: I just feel so sorry for you and and all those long lonely nights when you lie awake wishing you were with me! Ross: Oh don't you worry about me falling asleep, I still have YOUR LETTER!!! Monica: (Sets down some cards) Gin. Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked. Monica: Will you stop! Chandler: Okay. All right. Monica: Okay, all right, I think you're great, I think you're sweet, and you're smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me. Rachel: (to Ross) And hey, it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy and it is a big deal! Chandler: I knew it! Ross: We were on a break! Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you! Ross: Oh, and by the way, y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e means "you are" and y-o-u-r means "your"! Monica: Damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish! Joey: Hey, what if you found out your mom wasn't actually your mom, and your new mom was really hot? Chandler: But it's your mom. Joey: No! I'm talking about your mom. Rachel: I can't believe I even thought of getting back together again! We are sooooooooooo over!! Ross: (makes fake crying noises) Fine by me!! Monica: What happened here? Chandler: Well, Joey was born. And 28 years later, I was robbed! Rachel: They really got you guys! The TV, the stereo... Phoebe: The microwave, the chairs... Joey: Aww man, he took the five of spades! Oh, no here it is. Joey: You know what I'm going to do to that guy next time I see him! Chandler: BEND OVER? Rachel: Grrr, I hate it when Ross is right! Monica: He is right, isn't he? Chandler: Well, this could be the one time that he's not right. Rachel: You think so? Chandler: Oh no, I think he's right. Chandler: I bumped into Joanna yesterday. Rachel: My boss Joanna? That must have been awkward. Chandler: Well no, she actually asked me if I wanted to get a drink. Rachel: You didn't say yes to this, did you? Chandler: No, no! Joanna: (Coming out from the bathroom) Good morning, Rachel. Chandler: Well, not at first! Monica: How desperate am I? Rachel: Oh, good thing Chandler isn't here. He always wins at this game. Salesman: For example, do you know anything about Vulcanized Rubber? Joey: Spock's birthcontrol... Salesman: You really need these books. Rachel: Can't you get out of those handcuffs? Chandler: No! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler! (Chandler begins putting on his pants) Joanna: Wait, what are you doing? Chandler: Getting dressed. Joanna: Why? Chandler: Well, when I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me. Chandler: (after being uncuffed and reunited with his pants) Hello, sweet pants! Mr. Treeger: You want me to kick you guys out instead? Joey: No, you can't do that. Where would the chick and the duck live? Mr. Treeger: You have pets? Joey: Noooo. No no no. No, those are, uh... nicknames. Yeah. I'm The Chick and Chandler's The Duck. Mr. Treeger: Huh. I would of thought it was the other way around. Chandler: Oh yeah, I'm a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last...twelve hundred times. Monica: How goes the dancin'? Gay yet? Phoebe: Before I start, I just wanna say that, um, I have a cold. So if I sneeze in the middle of a song, it's not on purpose. Oh! Except the last verse of Pepper People. Monica: Go ahead and ask her out. What's the worst that could happen? Chandler: Well, I could die! Rachel: Maybe she and her friends are having a contest of who can bring home the biggest geek. Ross: Fine by me, hope she wins. Joey: Hey, we should have a contest to see who can bring home the most beautiful woman! Chandler: That's a good idea, Joe. We could call it "life." Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her? Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? Well, instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage! And, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage! And, instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived! Joey: You have crossed the line. You are so far past the line you can't even see it! The line is a dot to you Rachel I just had a wonderful time with myself! Chandler: This could be a fun story... Joey: Why are you getting so upset? Chandler: Well, I'm upset...for you! Having sex with so many beautiful women must be so unfulfilling for you. Joey: I think somebody has a crush on Casey. How 'bout I fix you two up? Chandler: Then all the pieces of my life are falling right into place! Chandler: Have a seat. Bow or stern? Kathy: I don't really have a preference. You? Chandler: Oh, I like it in the stern...of the boat. Joey: Did you sleep with her? Chandler: No, I just kissed her! Joey: That's even worse! Chandler: How is that worse?! Joey: I don't know, but it's the same! (Kathy is cutting Chandler's hair) Kathy: You have really great hair. Chandler: Thanks, I grow it myself. Chandler: (In the box) You guys can't tell, but I'm trying to break the tension by mooning you Phoebe: Yeah, but do you really want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, "That's not how your dad used to do it?" Rachel: So are things between you and Joey getting any better? Chandler: It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me. Rachel: Oh wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh? Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office? Rachel: You shouldn't. Joey: Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler? Gunther: I thought you were Chandler. (pause) Well, one of you is over there. Monica: How cute is the on-call doctor?!? Rachel: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye! Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to, but... (Points to Ross) Married a lesbian. (Points to Rachel) Left a man at the altar. (Points to Phoebe) Fell in love with a gay ice dancer. (Points to Joey) Threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire. (Points to the box Chandler's in) Lives in a box! Ross: Yeah! And so what if at the end of a hard day I like to kick on some Kenny G and have a bath. Joey: Dude, we're old, we're not women. Joey: What do you mean "we never have fun anymore"?You have fun with me! Remember that time we saw those strippers and you paid me $50 to eat that book? Ross: Didn't you read "Lord of the Rings" in high school? Joey: No, I had sex in high school. Rachel: No accountants. Oh, and no one from, like, "legal." I don't like guys with boring jobs. Chandler: Oh, and Ross was like what, a lion tamer? Phoebe: (Singing a draft of her Christmas Song) Happy, happy Chanukah, Chandler and Monica. Very merry... Chandler: (Interrupting) Oh, y'know, y'know what Pheebs? Phoebe: What? Chandler: I'm not Jewish, so... Phoebe: Well Ross doesn't really decorate his tree with floss but you don't hear him complaining do you? Phoebe: Don't you have a nickname or something that's easier to rhyme with? Monica: Didn't your dad use to call you 'Pumpkin'? Rachel: Yeah, he did. Phoebe: OK, but did he ever call you like, 'Budolph'? Phoebe: (Singing a song she wrote) ...spin the dredle Rachel! Rachel: Pheebs, dredle doesn't rhyme with Rachel. Phoebe: I know, nothing rhymes with your stupid name! Chandler: Hey, Donald Trump called... he wants his blue blazer black... back! Rachel: Why would he want his blue blazer black? Monica: You messed it up!You're stupid! Joey: I call Monica's room. Chandler: You can't just call Monica's room. Joey: Sure I can. Standard shotgun rules. I'm in sight of the room and I call it. Chandler: (Looks over to the room and mutters under his breath) Damn. Ross: Alright, we have a tie. Luckily, I have prepared for such an event. (takes envelope from back pocket and rips it open) Ross: The lightning round! Thirty seconds. All the questions you can answer. Monica: You guys are dead. I am so good at lightning rounds! Chandler: I majored in lightning rounds. Alright? We're going to destroy you. Monica: Wanna bet? Chandler: Oh...I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far. Ross: What is Monica's pet peeve? Joey: Animals dressed as humans. Ross: That is correct. Frank Jr: My sister's gonna have my baby! Frank Jr: Um, it's a lollipop and a, uh, a home pregnancy test. Monica: Hey, don't mix those up. You could really ruin that lollipop. Phoebe: Well, the doctor says it takes a couple of days, but my body's always been a little faster than Western medicine. Joey: She's mad because I know today's her laundry day and that means she's wearing her old lady underpants. Phoebe: You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment. Rachel: Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around. Phoebe: (Singing) Are you there little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will... buy you some Adidas. Ross: In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age fourteen? Chandler: OH! (Hesitates shortly and then whispers something into Ross's ear) Ross: EEW, NO!! Her ear. Ross: What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie. Joey: Big Fat Goalie. Ross: Correct. Monica: Come on Rach, Chanandler Bong, we steal that TV guide every week. Chandler: I KNEW IT. Ross: 30 seconds on the clock. Five questions wins the game. The lightning round begins...now! What is Joey's favorite food? Monica: Sandwiches! Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast? Rachel: 14? Ross: No, 19. Chandler: Thanks man. Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was? Monica: Maurice. Ross: Correct, his profession was? Rachel: Space cowboy! Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job? (The girls are stumped) Rachel: Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers. Monica: And processing. Rachel: He carries a briefcase. Ross: 10 seconds...you need this or you lose the game. Monica: It's umm, it has something to do with transponding... Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he's a transpons -- transponster! Monica: THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD! I can get this! I can get this! (Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the game) Monica: Noooooooooo!!!!! Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label? Rachel: Chandler gets it! It's Chandler Bing! Monica: No!! Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to Chanandler Bong. Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use your head! Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chanandler Bong. Ross: Monica and I had a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral. Name that grandmother! Joey: Nana? Chandler: She has a real name. Joey: Oh! Althea! Chandler: Althea?! What are you doing?! Joey: I took a shot! Chandler: You're shooting with Althea?! Ross: Althea is correct. Chandler: Nice shooting! Rachel: Well, who's gonna make up the questions? Monica: Ross'll do it. Ross: Oh sure, Ross'll do it, it's not like he has child or a job or a life of his own. Monica: Fine, we'll get Phoebe to do it. Ross: No, I wanna play! Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him? Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance! Joey: The Irish jig guy? Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent from his body! Ross: (About Kathy cheating on Chandler) Well, if she thought they were on a break... Chandler: I threw her at his man nipples! Joey: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There's a lot of theories that didn't pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry. Chandler: Oh my God!! Rachel: Monica, I'm quitting. I just helped an 81-year-old woman put on a thong and she didnt even buy it! Rachel: I have the best job in the world! Today the cutest guy came into work, and I got to dress him up all day! Phoebe: Rachel has a new doll! Chandler: Is it just me, or can you actually see his abs through his overcoat? Chandler: It's like somebody literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $35 to see it! Phoebe: Now that's a good idea for a business. Monica: Chandler! You can't just go back a phase! Chandler: Yes you can. You're thinking about time, you can't go back in time. Chandler: You know what? I'm just going to home and call Kathy. Phoebe: If you think it'll help... Chandler: No! That was a test! You know, in a couple of hours I'm gonna get really drunk, and I'm gonna want to call Kathy, and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I'm gonna be so drunk I'm gonna wanna call Janice! Phoebe: You should! How is she? (A strip club patron sitting near Phoebe is smoking a cigar) Phoebe: Um, no. You have to put that out, 'cause I'm pregnant. Man: Maybe you and your baby should go to another strip club. Phoebe: Ha ha, it's not my baby. Joey: It's just ten blocks away, if I run I can make it. Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that'll improve the smell. Rachel: Are Chandler and Joey back? Monica: No, Chandler's still in phase one, and Joey's that thing you smell. Phoebe: Aww, Pheebs. Rachel: Honey, that's your name. Phoebe: That's short for Phoebe? I thought that's just what we called each other. Chandler: You don't want to be guys. You'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long. Charlton Heston: Put some pants on, kid, so I can kick your butt! Ross: (being hugged by Emily) Eee! Emily: I'm sorry, did I hurt you? Ross: It's worth the pain. (She hugs him again.) You know what, you know what? It's not. Ross: I don't know what the big deal is, I'm man enough to play this sport. Joey: Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport. Chandler: I'm only pretend moving to Yemen, it's the only way I can get rid of her! Joey: Ah, good one! And Yemen, that actually sounds like a real country! Joey: (explaining rugby to Ross) That's a scrum. It's kind of like a huddle. Ross: And is a hum kind of like a scruddle? Joey: Hahaha, they're gonna kill you! Ross: I'm not stopping! I'm RED ROSS! Joey: Dude, you go back out there, and you're gonna be Dead Ross. Chandler: I told you you didn't have to take me to the airport. Janice: No, no, no, no. I know you needed to be with someone in this difficult time. And your friends don't seem to care that you're leaving. Chandler: Well, we're not that close. Janice: So how long are you gonna be in Yemen? Chandler: Oh, just until I find a replacement for...fuel Monica: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe. Rachel: But it's not Christmas! Monica: Or Spin the Bottle? Rachel: And he's not 11! Ross: Yeah, she's got to go back to London. But you know what? I've been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and then that's it. Y'know? Joey: Hey, that's what all my relationships are like. Chandler: Yes, but in Ross's case, they both know in two weeks that's it. Joey: Hey, but at least you have that cool, pregnant lady glow. Phoebe: Oh, that's sweat. You throw up all morning, and you'll have that glow too Joey: Uh, well, when is the baby due? Phoebe: Six months. Joey: Ugh. Now, if a cow should die of natural causes, I could have one of those, right? Phoebe: Not if I get there first. Rachel: Well, whatcha got there? Phoebe: Oh this? Well, I'm glad you asked. Now don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? Ah! Now, I know what you're thinking- Chandler: Pregnant woman slays four? Chandler: The weirdest thing happened to me today. I went to the bank, there was a lady teller, and she didn't ask me to do it with her in the vault! Joey: Same sort of thing happened to me. Female pizza delivery guy comes over, drops of the pizza, takes the money, and leaves! Chandler: What? No "nice place; I bet the bedrooms are huge"? Joey: No! Chandler: You know what? I think we need to turn off the porn. Ross: What do I do now? Joey: You play hard to get. Ross: She already lives in London. Joey: Then you go to Tokyo. (Rachel is singing some kind of song) Rachel: What's that song? It has been in my head all day long. Chandler: It's the theme from Good Will Humping. Rachel: Y'know who doesn't even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua. Joey: Yeah right. Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination. Chandler: Oh, oh, yeah, and did he also say that, ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy? Rachel: Yes! Joey: Yeah, he likes porn. (Rachel starts to leave) Monica: Where ya going? Rachel: I'm going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. You're probably just gonna catch her just as she's about to go to the gate. You're gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And she's gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud. Ross: I am a good kisser. Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in... (Ross looks at her.) I've been watching too much porn. (Joey switches channels with the remote and porn appears on the TV) Chandler: Hey! Joey: Whoa, is this porn? What did I do, I must've hit something on the remote! Chandler: Do we pay for this? Joey: No, we didn't pay our cable bill. Maybe this is how they punish us. Chandler: (Chuckles) Maybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill. Free phone sex! Joey: Maybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill... (Pauses, not knowing what to say next) Monica: Ross, what did you do when Paolo was with Rachel? Ross: I made fun of his accent. Monica: No, you didn't fight for Rachel at all. You go to London and fight for Emily! Joey: Oh yeah, good idea. Yeah, 'cause you already told her you love her, and she didn't answer. And then she told you that she's seeing another guy. So, yeah, go to London. That'll scare her!! Ross: We thought Carol was straight when I married her. Phoebe: Yeah, I definitely don't want to name my kid Ross. Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down Monica: So you wore your nightie to dinner? Rachel: Yes, and the best part was when the waiter spilled water down my back, and I jumped up and my boob popped out. Monica: Oh no! Rachel: No, it's alright. I've got nice boobs Chandler: Chandler is a stupid, stupid non-name. From now on I have no first name! Joey: So you're just Bing? Chandler: I have no name! Emily: But my job.... Ross: So get a job here! I'm always hearing about foreigners moving in and stealing American jobs. That could be you! (after seeing Ross's new earring) Chandler: Just remember to wake us up before you go-go. Joey: (Seeing Ross' new earring) What, we don't make fun of you enough already? Chandler: You've only known her for six weeks! I have a carton of milk in my refrigerator that I've had a longer relationship with! Ross: Look guys, when I'm with her it's like she brings out this great side in me. I mean, I love her you know? Chandler: And I love the milk! But I'm not going to ask some British girl to move in with me! (Realises what he said) Joey you say things now Joey: This sucks! I didn't know I had to stay up all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic. I'm so tired! Chandler: It's six o'clock! Chandler: So, uh, what are you in for? Marjorie: I talk in my sleep. Chandler: What a coincidence! I listen in my sleep. Phoebe: I never knew you couldn't fly in your third trimester! Joey: I knew that. (everyone looks at him) So I didn't know that, but you should see your faces! Rachel: I'm fine. I'm happy for him, really, I'm...I'll work on it. Rachel: I still don't get how you know when it's false labor. Phoebe: Well, do you SEE any babies? Joey: (to duck) Stare at the wall. (Duck looks away from the wall) Joey: Hardly move. (Duck wags its tail) Joey: Be white. Joey: (hysterically yelling) I went to bed, everything was fine! I wake up, the stripper's gone, and the ring is gone! Chandler: You slept with the stripper? Joey: (still frantic Of course! (leaving the apartment) Chandler: You got your passport? Joey: Yeah, in the third drawer of my dresser. You don't want to lose that. Joey: You ordered pizza without me? Phoebe: Yeah, but we were thinking about you, you know. We ordered the Joey Special. Joey: Two pizzas?! Joey: Come on, do something. Chandler: I am. I'm ignoring you. Chandler: It's a six-hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica. (Joey and Chandler are at Westminster Abbey) Chandler: They're thinking of changing the name. Joey: Really? To what? Chandler: To put the camera away! Joey: Dude, you are Westminster Crabby! Joey: London, baby! Judy: Sorry we're late, it's my fault. I insisted on riding the tube. Jack: Judy, the kids.... Judy: Jack, that's what they call the subway. The Gentleman on the Plane: Oh, and seems to me that you were on a break. Jack Geller: (to Mr. Waltham I'm not paying for your wine cellar, you thieving, would-be-speaking-German-if-it-weren't-for-us, cheap little man! Ross: (To all the parents) From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word, no grandchildren! (Rachel runs back into the apartment after returning from the airport and Phoebe thinks she has changed her mind, Rachel runs back out) Phoebe: No! Why am I always pregnant when she does that? Priest: (To Ross) Repeat after me, I Ross Ross: I Ross Priest: take thee Emily Ross: take thee Rachel. Chandler (To Monica after sex): So, how are you? Monica: Good. You? Chandler: Oh, I'm fine. You?... Oh, we already did you. Chandler: What we did last night was stupid right? Monica: Oh, yeah. Totally stupid. Chandler: Yeah, crazy... But we're good for tonight, right? Monica: Oh, yeah